I am an artist, once before and always have been, and will be. On this letter I present my story, as I would painting to a canvas. For which is not only abstract but concrete, and may relay to you some of which is now known, as
The Golden Truth.
maltese, irish, english, german, blackfoot indian, African American, french, -
roman catholic raised on saints like, germain and joseph and stuff like that. all i had were names of angels and the pendants and stuff that i was told to carry for protection. i didnt go to church or anythiing until id visit my fathers, or his family in new jersey/pennsylvania.
i cried my first time in church but it wasnt real i faked it because i didnt understand it. like, it was my great grandfathers death or, yeah, great grandfathers on my moms side. the whole family was in tears. so im looking around, at this huge, stained glass window lining, and hearing the echoes of these..statements that make no sense to me at the time, and im thinking, why are they all sad?
death is, idk. to me it wasnt , a loss. i always was told weird shit like, "hes in better place. dont be upset" and then woosh, nobody heard that right? but then theyd ask , and go, is she ok? shes got tears (spit that i used to look like i was crying idk, i felt weird not having any understanding on the relative. i was young i barely knew him, and he always spoke with a heavy accent.) and id say, "the angels told me he was fine." and id just walk off and find something to look at.
father wanted boy
mother wanted and could carry girls easily runs on hereditary
Jasmyn Kiara Stone -sister
Anthony Michael Stone- misscariaged name
Michael Anthony Stone
Nicolina Amber Stone - me
Nicole Amber Stone
Amber Nicole Stone
childhood
significant events and dates
1 pennsylvania
2 moved to florida
3
finding interests, being monitored
"shes really shy"
(everywhere i go, stares, everywhere my mom took me, shes so beautiful, by 3, i was taught how to gouge out someones eyeballs and scramble their brains for defense if i were abducted or someone attempted to take me, my mom seemed to know the world was a dangerous place for someone so basic as me. i mean, thats how i looked at it. i dont expect that kind of evil or , the need to do that to somebody. but the look on her face, and me being so small im like.....um. ew, but ok. because she said, this is the difference between you living, and you dying. if you had your life in someones hands, your MOTHER wants you to do anything and everything to defend it.)
December 29th, 1994
born.
Bensalem, Philadelphia, PA
1995
1
1996
2
Move to Cape Coral, Florida
1997
3
4 years old
1998
wanting my "body book" story
mom takes me to bookstore at mall and im in stroller. we pass by a row and i point "my book!" "thats my book"! she rolls stroller until i point to it, shes like this?" and itss a picture book for medical, i shook my head over and over. I keep pointing until she walks near a thick textbook, "Grays Anatomy" college book the original text. It had a dark cover on it, and was heavy and huge. She goes, something along the lines of, "but this isnt for you it doesnt have pictures" I made a big fit and said "no, that, thats MY book" insisting for her to get it for me. im pretty sure she placed it back, or if she had gotten it it was brief that i was able to look through it, because what she ended up doing was, i had her go through catelogs and order books from them. id receive anatomy basics for children up to, i want to say basic RN tech study level books. This was, when i found out, my parents withheld me from learning on a high degree, because i remember being as young as 3 and wanting to read. i was frustrated for not being able to read. so lots of times did i go bother my dad to read me books, and make sure i followed with him. this and the piano was our thing. its funny to think the most fun times with my father were over the smells of cigars, cigarettes, and hearing glass of beer, but, honestly, it was the only times i had as a child that let me feel i had something. he was really big into helping me find my own talents, and sports included. but overall, my first "what do you want to do when you grow up" was to be a doctor, because i was so insistent that i already was one before, from a "previous" life.
I don't know where that info comes from. but its an instinct. to care for others. to look out for survival skills. i was "told" basics like this since growing up. "whats the few things you need, if you were left to it, the need for survival, food, health knowledge, defense, creativity, the list goes on. so i always took every chance to be in the kitchen, learn everything from gardening botany plants of all types. there's a lot to do with that about my grandmother on my moms side, but i think that's a later story.
5
1999
no preschool, mother was adamant on not bringing specifically me to any daycare or preschool center
because of pedophilia
relentless tag memory between something i could not see, touch or feel, yet (blank)
interests, and parents exploration of talents and skills by both self and sister
I fucking hate aliens, the movies of which were "well, maybe she wont be scared of this. ok, lets put it on" adult/older movies and shows placed around me on consistent basis. I was afraid of aliens while my sister was afraid of ghosts. e.t. was my most hated along with signs, the scene on the street where the alien crosses into the shot, made me want to cry puke and id start having a panic attack
_________________________________________________________________________________
riding bike on street i grew up in. kids always wanted to challenge me at things they knew i wouldnt be good at, i said, "its ok, i dont mind losing. im having fun and thats how it should be" i got called a lot of names for being myself. so its no wonder i dont know how positive this will be, but theres a good ending to it somewhere from this part that i can compare to later,*******_______________-
sister was my mother figure, neglected at her puberty
"once you're older" "it cannot be" "youll get it later" the let downs of life
why am i the only one smiling
6
kindergarten, Mrs. middleton
2000
giving my teacher "back rubs" because i was good at it?
i dont get along with the girls. i play with cars and put things together.
bullied for hair when it was let down for a day during when it was really humid, was frizzy, friend nearby lost a toothe, was sitting almost directly next to her but i look over and she has blood over her mouth , holdering her lips as is she was containing the tooth still. the teacher barks at me for , me just having my hair in the way and she couldnt see my friend. her name was nicole and she said it didnt bother her that my hair was like, everywhere, but she even said yeah the teacher got pretty mad or something like that. teachers snapped at us but then would act nice in front other other adults. we all saw it, and we all knew it was the "us against them" mentality
are you kidding me? whats public school? and, there goes, homeschool, or do you want to go to public school? "I want to see what its like, for them"
indoctrinated into the system
"stop crying, it'll give you a headache" I cried a LOT during school
"every time you get dissappointed, mad, all the anger you have in this world, instead of hurting others like the other kids do, the evil stuff that they do, direct it toward yourself. for if you dont hurt anybody but yourself, you are your biggest enemy, that nobody ccan top. thats your control. for every yes is a no. for every no is a yes. everytime you want something in this world, dont. you dont deserve it, and maybe if you're good enough you'll survive this"
(im still trying to figure this age EDIT)
dreams of being on island with kids and the adults threaten them and scare them if they were trying to run or scream, they were threatened and told they were going to be killed. They'd kill kids in front of us for example, to say, " this is what would happen so dont do that." This was a repeated thing, all of the kids were naked, not just some or a few, no shoes, they practically threw us around, had sex with us in the open and touching us making us do other things to other kids in front of them. kids were crying, didn't know where we were, There was an airplane, small, in front of us each time id see where I was, that was the beginning of the memory. After getting control to remember while I was there, i started trying to tell the other kids. They didn't like that and, everytime I'd try to gather us together, I'd get hurt.
(this is why I always get upset at myself for trying to help others, I always remember the instinct of anticipating pain, for an action like gathering people for safety against danger)
7
1st grade mrs. page
2001
am I gay, for what ive been told to think, or am i being told to be someone im not , someone i saw there. theres something not right- molested by friend in 1st grade, was repeated action told to be kept as "secret" she said her parents had "porn nights" in the living room out in open they watched porn and would do things with her, she invited me to have "sex" with her and told me about oral, and fingering by this age, was told it was common for her family and she got a lot of her learning through what they show her on t.v. (comedian show she mentioned said she doesnt wipe proper or shower proper through day notices shes left with residual from toilet paper was told to leave it until it hurt? by some joke she heard over tv show, told me to ignore it when she would ask for me to touch her, would practice kissing with her and she was insistent on having me come over with another friend that she was also trying to have "lesbian sex party" with. i was literally just a kid and my sexuality was fractured before i fully hit puberty
friend pushed me out of way of moving bus heading in my direction and didnt stop, the driver saw me
show and tell singing RESPECT, but not being able to get over stage fright and ended up
lindsay logan first friend who had said, "dont forget me, we'll always be friends from here on"
8
2nd grade, mrs. white
2002
britney spears is not a topic for kids 3rd grade
2002 music influence, noticing the sexualisation of children in behavior of other students, especially during "play rehearsals" they grouped all kids based on age range to change clothes together instead of by sex. we were told we can change in the bathroom but sometimes they had us all together in the classroom because we had to "make time" like it was on schedule or something
i was testing waters on school requirements, did not prefer to read aloud or work in groups, i was always hiding my face
viewing the feelings of those in a classroom who despised their teachers and systemized lifestyle. wanting to bridge gap between those in control, and those willing to fight for freedom, but i absorbed the hate, and sat, silent.
who said that, amber dont sit so close to the tv youll make yourself blind "but i dont want to see the world anymore i cant take this anymore mom if i wont be able to see this stuff all the time then it will go away"
are these people seriously clapping for me? i cant even focus
outstanding arts student recognised by each grade, slow decline the more recognised
to bully or be bullied, or be nobody and hide.
2003
Mrs. Comas
dreams of teachers and sexual questions in mindset, early puberty symptoms and theres something here i cant reach
crying during p.e.
violent flu/colds, motion sickness on bus easily
summers in benslem, pennsylvania
fireflies. dont hurt them. (neighbor kids being kids)
fending for nature, neighbor girl bullied me for not agreeing to throw rocks at a baby birds nest. told i wasnt a good friend for not following evil deeds. i took it as a lesson how people can be different. but i wont be the first to throw any rock any where (this started a protective side of me, to defend things)
rooftop at 10p. its cold. and im getting away into the one thing i can, the nature, the stillness, the silence, but im not alone. someone out there is seeing this with me, feeling the wind like i am. (repeat this about. idk i have a lot of moments like that so. i have to sum this up *notate)
gardening. like, a lot.
shoveling gravel and concrete, like, a lot, each summer when the layer cracked that lead to the gazebo, id help out with the lawn care and chores. id always look up and see people looking at me from the window. i sang and danced a lot in that backyard. and the tiger lillies, they were worth weeding.
food channel. because i cant reach to the things that they say i should (disney, etc. i had no interest after, 7-8 and i think this is when the sex stuff at cloning happened more frequent)
2004
Mr. Mugica
9-10
no ne is volunteering, sure ill do it (singing for a play, songs in play "we will rock you, we built this city..etc. ))
drew pictures for people and teacher who kept a rose that i drew for him on the cabinet near the door, everytime i walked out everybody would say stuff and id just look at it each time like, "i drew that. he posted it there. cool. i was always really um. caring and overly nice to everyone even if it wasnt asked.
high processing mind. and no answers. cant sleep.
first friend betrayal because of jealousy that i had mixed with all groups and cliches in school, i was friends with the nerdds, the cool kids the jocks and the popular girls because i wanted everyone to have someone to come to if they had a problem or needed help. i was a mediator/vent box at this time
yearbook : what do you want to be / career when grow up
famous italian artist
mk scenario being told i can picture whoever i want and they can appear do anything i want
mothers brother moves in, another artists, was the "walk in father figure but not" halfway there, depressed and was never a full story. goes by, "shark" for "sharkey"
a summer, somewhere around here
going up to see my grandmother in pennsylvania
i was sitting on her bed one day sketching a picture. I didn't really like to go outside and play because at this age I wasn't really familiar with the neighborhood kids, I spent more of my time in another state and so summers being there felt new everytime. It was a boring day in my eyes, and so for me to keep occupied I had the tv on "Dora the explorer" because honestly had anything on to keep the mood going, usually waiting for the following show so, really I gave t.v. more time than needed just to have background noise.So, I'm looking down, and in my peripheral view I see to my left (thinking it was the light from the window's reflection) a clear, translucent yet colored object in the room with me. at this moment time slowed down almost. It wasn't like I was afraid, but, I wasnt familiar with what I was seeing. Then i feel this, voice, tell me, "I'm just watching you create". I drew back my body, because, as I'm observing this before me, I'm trying to relate to where I was, what I was doing, and each moment, was layered. I accumulated that, because I was in such a relaxed state of mind, beyond means of even background noise of a show that I didnt prefer, I was creating this beautiful image . That I SAW that, because I was able to relax that deeply. It felt, not invasive at all. But being so young, I had this, fear, like a reaction to the unknown when it came to, anything that seemed out of the ordinary. and I mean, I've seen things but the focal point of this is, as I was coming to realising what just happened and then observing this, almost like an energy, but it was color, shaped without a shape, it was just like if you could see a light, and see every detail of that light, and within that light had lights and colors, That's what I was seeing. It had no reflection, It was completely translucent. and it came with feeling, not, just presence, like, thats how it was able to be noticed, with feelings, so, I realise, what a beautiful sight, my fear started creeping up on me like the wind hit the end tail of a cat and it scattered.
My heart was racing, I wanted to run, but it was only because, fear said "you dont know what this is, you cant relate to it here, this is something different, go plead for someone to explain and prove this to you to compare to what someone ordinary would feel if it happened," I went through everything like, *snap* that in my mind. either, my thinking was too fast or, time just didn't exist at that moment. So I leaped back in the bed sort of , watching it move, it didn't just move it, existed in one space, to another, and my mind was able to pick up on the time/space difference. it was really hard to understand. this is where fear crept in, because Im like, "Oh no, It's getting closer!" and I just, needed someone to explain this to me so badly. I mean, how else do you react when you're unfamiliar with something, and its moving? but not? like, I was just drawing and watching Dora the Explorer. So I sort of, look down, I knew I shouldnt have been afraid, but I was. I was afraid because I had no direct explaination at the time to prepare for what I saw. so I run to my grandmother downstairs who was seeing someone for a meeting in the "library" which was next to the living room. I said, "Noni! I, I need you" I knew she was doing something important, so with me out of breath, she asks if I can wait until shes done with her meeting. It had to do with her chemo therapy appointment scheduling, so that's when I knew there was the barrier between, I cant even talk about what I saw, and I have to remember what I saw so I can relay it properly and she can understand, so then she could explain this to me. Think of this, a kid like that in that mindstate going to the living room to wait to explain such a thing, the fear kept rising. my head was spinning, my stomach felt weird and my entire body was just, over reacting to that. So, I took it as , this is some time to cool down.
each minute waiting I focused on different parts of the room. There were parts of the walls that had the wood grain a certain way, I'd just, look at things and try to fixate on something, knowing each thing I was seeing, was keeping me in some state of "Its ok", because my heart was really going, ya know? So I began to breathe better after about, 10-15 minutes, it wasn't really that long of wait before she called me over after wrapping it up with the person she was seeing. They leave, and I just sit down next to her, I tried my best to explain the situation but, my head was all jumbled from trying to calm down. I spent so much time panicking, I couldn't even remember what I saw.
So she began to listen, I told her what I'd seen. But the way I was describing it to her, she could tell I was so confused she had to stop me mid way but also, let me finish, she just couldn't let me go on for too long about it. she reminded me something I've heard before, she tells a lot of stories during these years that have helped me in life. this one always sort of struck me as something because there was never really much background to it that I learned directly, other than small details.
So she said, "This house was blessed by a priest that would come by every year, he would do all the rooms in the house and especially a lot in that bedroom." I gave her a confused look, because as usual kids are often distracted in times of distress and confusion easily, she continues on, "You have a lot of angels, they were probably just looking out for you, ya know." She sounded happy about it, like, confirming in her voice. Which brought me down immediately from , what,? to, "Oh yeah", because she's explained how we are Roman Catholic, I didnt know much about religion so I triedd to take best insight from the situation regardless.
10
2005
5th grade
mrs. gerard
theres that cute guy but ill never get him. why do i know this maybe im wrong. tomboy stage
trying to find people like that person.
dreams of disaster, chaos catasophe escape scenarios
never able to speak or say hi instances of supreme stage fright when approaching any crush, being bullied by crushes to then end up hearing they did like me but then they would choose the "blonde white girl" instead because they are prettier.
foggy mornings walk to bus.
these kids dont know, and they wont listen, yet their parents all like me. why cant they be like me, why is being evil "cool" to them?
even tv shows support this? i cant even watch cartoons, lets stick to lower level basics.
The aspect of not enough information though, was present because, there were other times in my life I had seen stuff happen. I just didn't think it was enough though. So, I continued down some inner studies, like tai chi, meditation, even developing more on video games seeing how many controllers i can use at one time to practice attention and focus, It was all a big thing for me. Discovering, myself, and the world around me. I didn't see a reason why not to think this way. I had thought everyone did, or atleast could, but that a lot were ignoring it. There were no books on dreams, atleast not big enough for me to find at the local library. There was almost no, common place for the alternative questions other than, self research, and taking every obstacle as a learning experience, so
11.
2006
i've been here before but i don't know why or how, but nobody sees it like i do.
memory retrieval
amnesia
why are there no research studies on dreams?, the instant search for an empty space, what it meant, and why it was there, if there was nothing concrete to compare it to.
insomniac
sylvia browne reading, "she gets it through her dreams, shes loaded with "angels" she came prepared"
predicting things, guess im psychic, or whatever.
i cant stand that song, i just don't like it. "but why?" do you hear the lyrics? became "because its pop"
silenced
disbelief and illusion:steps of mk ultra programming, mk control, lucid dreams are not, but they always keep saying that
the doctors and medical of "supersoldiers"
violence at rem cloning
ghosts, ouija, lucidity blend of sleep and wake, religion search and fail to find, so, i guess im agnostic or athiest. why do we even have names for things.
so, the thing of early puberty, caffeine addiction, and anything to offset the thinking.
she continues to paint
memory retrieval
amnesia
summer to go into 6th grade
tripp pants and
copying sisters influence
continued dream study in books/ library
12
2006
6th grade
rachel tucker friend in class, mutual to lindsay logan
I think I was also practicing how to control those nightmares, because I remember there was a time I woke up so upset that I thought, if I can control them and wake myself up, I can get out of the dream faster and prevent myself from getting more worked up. Nightmares have been a consistent thing for me for as young as I could remember. Although its safe to say I forgot that, time and time again, to then remember, time and time again, that I do indeed have to figure out what is causing them and where I keep seeing these places. The repeated dreams weren't fun. It seemed I was able to predict the moment that I could wake up, by connecting my focus of feeling to my toes, or fingertips of my body. Tapping my toes against my bed just enough to keep me awake (kids do this so they dont have to take naps. lots kids have nightmares, too much energy, and dont like sleeping), yet falling asleep while doing that keeps you in a stage of mind that is restful but still awake. I used this to help control the dreams because when somethings happening and you feel yourself sweating while you sleep, your breathing changes and you know you're scared.I had control over that and held onto the thought, "I am sleeping, I know where I am." It's called grounding- having the connection to the original position of where you are and I knew and always remembered, "Im asleep". Dreams can feel so real. and thats why I was chasing this, "wheres the information" question, because TV, even the radio, wasn't doing enough to make that fear go away. And plus, waking up every morning too early because you are too afraid to go back to sleep, But you have school in a few hours and you know you cant do it without some energy, yeah, "cartoon network" and "adult swim" are not very good channels to be watching. But I felt so incapable of knowing healthy coping mechanisms. There was almost no way or reason to find the better options. I was so distracted on distracting myself. And that was a lack of control that caused me to trip and fall in decision making, at vulnerable years of being a teenager, for the next few years.
well, if im in middle school i might as well use myself as an example for my friends.
obsession with japan and anime, drawing at this time for escape/practice
"asian michael" first "boyfriend" dating in school above elementary, was not really dating me said it was because i looked like a cool person but he was simultaneously dating another girl while she had as well another boyfriend. polyamory was practiced for kids in middle schools and highschools at years 2006, 07, 08, 09 and continued
summer
7th grade
fall school start
went to movies with rachel and lynz, now her brother david was the "cool kid" who hung with anthony, and a few others that were popular in school. I noticed he kept looking me at me when i was sitting next to rachel in the theatre. we were watching a really bad movie that I didn't even really want to go see, but I wanted to go do something with people and feel involved in activities, while also not missing the opportunity to possibly speak to him or the "cool people". I always seemed to want to learn how others are and what makes them "cool". So I'm sitting there, not even laughing at the movie it was a really bad spoof comedy. I notice popcorn being thrown at me, and candy, just randomly one at a time. I hear some laughter from behind me and thats the direction david and anthony were in. So, I'm trying to pretend it didn't bother me, and rachel even said "my brothers an idiot" and I said "its ok, they're just trying to mess with us" later on, I notice anthony get up, with a bucket from his popcorn, and liquid fall out, and a ton of laughter from david who jumped up and went "sick dude go toss that you just got that everywhere" I look, and noticed him, and he's eventually bugging his sister and I noticed he had a monster energy drink. I asked him for a sip and he goes, "are you sure its got my spit on it" I said "its fine im just really thirsty and I dont want to get up and go buy something" so he sits next to me and teases me a little. Its where I think, this guy was just up there being all "cool" and now hes sitting right here. Usually I'd get nervous but I wasn't, it felt like it was familiar and we had wanted to sit there regardless how unconventional it seemed because I was also a grade lower, 6th graders arent really considered kids to be "popular" so I just appreciated the drink he offered and the company. I think we said something about how the movie did suck so we had a common additude that made me go, "hm, maybe this persons different and we are more common than Id think." so there became some sort of connection there that stayed, because after that it seemed he wanted to be around a lot. And I was just trying to fill in a space that I was searching for but not being able to explain.
13 goth/industrial/
2007
anthony in background as his friend, watched me depressed after David him and I were at the mall, I think they were on something because we got lost a few times. David said he wanted to go to some area in the department store and make out, just right there in the middle of public, like intensely. anthony walks up to me and asks if im ok, i said yeah. but we both knew i wasnt ok.
We would hang out a lot. places like the movies, or even Super Target, just because they had an area to sit or eat. There wasn't much to do in Cape Coral, atleast for those who walked around with heavy pants with chains that looked like they were going to cause trouble. People like us expressed ourselves in ways that seemed unsafe but were really just basically the foundations of trends overlapping over and over. influence. and my style, was always going against the expected. so when im told to wear black white at school, I wore, black and white sure, but also I'd wear EVERY SINGLE COLORED fabric or accessory I had, just to make a statement. David seemed to think that was cool. so cool I became, without really even knowing it. People avoided me, people made fun of me. I'd wear things just to expect a reaction because at that point when I was surprised by the bullying it caught me off guard, go home cry about it to (no one) and then try to figure out how to go to school the next day. Even though I didn't have many friends, the one I did seemed to either thrive off my presence or look to it to support it. I wasn't complaining but, the lack of communication I tried having with people led them to think I wasn't someone they could reach. The things at home shut me down emotionally from being myself, and when David and I got together, It was like filling a space but also searching for reason, while also wanting someone to connect with. I mean, I don't really and havent ever had a "type" but he seemed at the time enough for me and I was wanting to explore whatever this "type" was. theres the familiarity I have and like, endless searching you practically magnetize yourself to that character even if its a simple note of it. So yeah, I had a pretty nice thing going. until I noticed, slowly after some time, I was being used for comfort. I lost rachel as a friend in some ways because of davids bullying toward her separated her from me, she warned me her brother could get out of hand. I said, "well im always here to be your friend if its the difference then im fine with that but for now we are dating" I lost a few friends actually over it, because after some time I was being taken out for show like a trophy, rather than an actual date. So I wondered to myself, after losing my virginity in well, a "now or never" circumstance, I thought to myself, I'm developing, I'm making decisions, I'm not even sure what IS a good girlfriend to someone who deserves the best, how can I do it all but while seeing a problem. Problem was, David had a lot of family issues that were unmanaged and out of control. He wouldnt talk about it much but I'd hear small details on it enough to know he just was simply never fully loved. I wanted so badly to be there for him so, yeah, I'll do this, or that, to make sure theres atleast someone out there trying to show some good to him, regardless what that required in forms of affection.
Now this is when my mom met Mike, there's a lot Mike names that pop up in my life. She asked me and my sister if we wanted to go over to his place to meet him, that he had four kids all girls that were around our age. So both of us, without a father, obviously understanding to a single mother who asked US for our opinion first, thought to abide to whatever deemed necessary because honestly, we were really tired of the water getting shut off. and we just wanted our mother to be happy, with someone, whatever that required as well.
Plus! friends! like, who doesn't want more family or friends. Living in a house with, that many teenagers youd think would be chaotic, but thankfully we all knew that we would rather work with eachother than against, for a house with raging hormonal girls in puberty a depressed mother and a single father balancing a job and house, we didn't want to be any part of adding to an already fragile situation. So theres me, developing and making odds and ends meet with the girls that I'm trying at this point to call sisters but, they werent. They didn't even seem like family because of the big elephant in the room of alchohal of which ruled half of my mothers and their fathers arguements. This is where my need to be with David, instead of sitting at that house, became my focal point. I'd meet him down by the bridge that connects over a canal down the street. I was skateboarding a lot back then too. waiting for the phone line to be open to call and arrange a next meet, just to hug eachother and not want to deal with our situations at home. It was a little extreme for being young, and my sister said to me "be careful" because she knew I'd rather that moment of freedom than to face and deal with things I couldn't control. It comes at a risk, and mine was to be met when I slowly noticed a decline in David, It became directed attention to his depression and suicidal tendencies which werent in his control. I could even see that. I knew it wasn't his fault. And I knew there was something I could do if I could just bridge the gap between him and self happiness, that he was loved and there was something good out there for him in the world regardless the abuse, pain and so forth. He just didn't listen to me though, so I let it up to a summer to figure it out. I was really always trying to help people. So i had to learn just what it was I was looking for.
summer 2007
Rise above this
i found this and sang it, a lot..I had an interesting summer that year. Id actually flip on the tv when I couldnt sleep and turn on either the weather channel or some station that deemed fitted for my day.
my grandmothers house was odd though, it always felt like something was watching and she would say stuff like that it was blessed. well for as blessed as it was I also saw stuff in that room of hers often that , yeah, I just don't know what to make of it. I drew a lot there and helped moved around the room.
david claims he trys mushrooms, anthony and his influence furthered his drug use after weed
break up with david, turns out he was cheating on me with arch enemy luana wisniewski who copied almost every thing i did. i didnt like posers.
2008
8th grade
14
summer of 2008
i cant sing but i will when nobodys listening, even if im straining vocal chords with no sound, theres still air and its atleast heard inside in cars waiting for my grandmother or any situation im waiting i would sing but not make sound, just flex vocal chords.
I was cleaning my temporary room that I stayed in and I had the radio on. I hear "Everlong" playing, and I had to stop and listen. I walk up to the radio and turn it up a little. It was already about halfway when I realise I thought I heard it before but I assumed it was just a familiar feeling. I had them a lot with stuff so I tried to listen out for it especially with music. There's a part in it that has whispering and even through the static I still heard something. Each time that song played I knew it was, "that song" . that's what I called it. I always kept trying to listen so I could understand. I made it something I always looked out for was the day that I could hear those words correctly, because it was not just one voice there were two. The lyrics I heard
So when I was young, a compliment that I kept hearing was about how my body and face were so symmetrical. I would take "Selfies". I always liked the way the colors of light reflected off my eyes (I have hazel, blue and brown eyes). I started to notice this slant to my right eye. I considered the facial expressions I had throughout school caused it. I grimaced a lot because not only was I afraid to smile, I got judged for something like being myself so many times. I noticed something when I start shutting my eyes, when my eyelashes close together the light reflects a certain way and you see colors.
My left eye was always my better eye, and doctors would say I had vision problems in just one eye, the right.So when I do this, but not fully shut my eyes, I noticed something different about the right one. When I was focusing on the light and the color spectrums from it (It's pretty), I noticed this, small little circle in my field of vision independently focusing in a different direction than my eye actually was trying to focus toward. Instantly, I knew that I had a camera in my eye. I've always felt watched, like -haunted house creepy watched- with everything I did. It made it difficult to even fully be myself in my own room. I'd notice if the radio was live feed, when I was in a really goofy mood laughing to myself, the anchors would start missing their lines or make jokes out of script. I began to see a pattern, I thought, "This can't be a coincidence."I always tried to talk to my friends about these things. I'd ask them to help me understand what this was. Nobody could
explain it, just dismissing me around or off the topic entirely. It was difficult to find the information to explain it back then too.
I'd look in the library through books about dreams to explain it [R.E.M. Cloning]. Back then, people only wanted to report news on Celebrities or the crime that kept getting worse and worse, with no real solutions to problems, and many questions left unanswered.
was set up with someone long distance named "dominic nicosia" because i severely was looking for someone who looked like the person I had no clue how to find. was told he was a rocker and had long hair, sure was enough for me to try so I attempted three way or direct calls with him, we never knew what to say but I pushed for us to keep trying to get to know each other until we meet, I seemed more mature at the time.
fall 2008
{edit: trying cannabis for first time , influences from those around me}
Anthonys party
I was hanging out with lynz and she tells me about this party that Anthony had going on at his parents house. Now, I was just about the age of "curiosity" towards things like partying, whatever the sort. I just didnt do anything or accept much the occasional drink or smoking. So in all I was a little nervous, but I had heard David, Kevin, and some other people were going to be there. In all honesty It was kevin who I wanted to see. So I said lets, go, sure! this is already on way to dropping off our friend Travis, so we drop him off and head over to anthonys. literally as Im pulling up with her my stomach went off. I was excited, so I just get in there and see, well, laser lights. drugs so forth. I'm like, well, ok. let me just enjoy some drink. Everyone's enjoying themselves, yet I see anthony on the other side of the room, "hey guys!" and hes just, enjoying himself greatly I could tell. I walk around sort of trying to find my place in it all, and I see kevin playing guitar, singing colt 45 , and I'm just excited like "Finally I get to be within same space of him hopefully he notices and wants to talk to me" So i watch him play guitar, meanwhile lynz says she has to leave, I ask her if I could stay and if she could pick me up at a later time. She made sure I was ok with it and I said, "well yeah, um, kevins here" and I give her this huge smile, she understood me enough she knew I really wanted to. so she told me to call her when I was ready to leave, whatever time that would be. anthony offered me a drink and pretty much made it heavy, didn't mind but the cigarettes made me nauseous so I practically spent the rest of the next few hours on the couch. everyone was pretty nice to me, kevin checked on me and even made sure the waste basket had a fresh bag in it. I'm like, wow. He made me a peanut butter sandwich, and said, here, drink some water. Helps with the alchohal poisoning. he explained to me a little about it which helped me understand about drinking too fast on an empty stomach. he asked if I had eaten so he insisted on making something when I said no. I thanked him, and even went back to sleep for a little until I was able to walk around a bit through the house. When I woke up, I notice just about half of the people gone, and the rest are passed out. Anthony was sleeping on the bed and kevin just sitting there, so I stayed up with him through the night and we talked. We talked about music and, just generally life. It was literally until dawn and we connected on some seriously great levels that night, i didn't think id ever have that experience with someone who, like me, couldnt sleep, and was so peaceful of mind. It was inspiring, and time didnt matter. So at this point, everyone but me is either gone, or asleep, and I see anthony, just laying there with a mess in the house, and I put things back where they belong, try to clean up his room a little bit, because Kevin was gone, and what I saw in front of me was, someone who needed help. It was kind of sad to see someone who potentially could do more with themselves but they couldnt even clean up after themselves. So this began the start of me seeing a different lifestyle completely from what I'm used to, who was close to kevin and all the things they talk about usually pertained to, wanting to live a better life. but how does one of the most influencial people to throw a party, anthony, I just looked at him. I sympathized and said, let me be the one to clean this mess up. I didnt feel I was good enough for kevin. I was already in a relationship with dominic who, as much as we tried, he wasnt even maturely able to find me in my mind even through me speaking, given I was lost, I placed myself in an even deeper hole, and the moment it started was the action of cleaning up someone elses mess.
I had a tight feeling in my stomach, because I felt like I threw something away, like a choice. you know when you can feel something bad before it happens? well, me calling lynz to come grab me, that ride back knowing those moments with kevin might not ever be fulfilled, just where am I to go with all these, feelings. I was at that point thinking something was wrong with me.
2009
freshman year
mariner high school
by this point my mom got a separate house, and I started high school. It was probably, one of the best years of school in my life. I felt like even in a dark space I managed to atleast be be creative with it and my time. I drew a lot, and every chance I could I tried to have fun with things. It was my first year so, why not make it the best. once again wasnt going to let the grade levels of school mock me for trying something new. freshman are awesome.
but this is also this year I was starting out with little to no friends. After people seeing me around anthony and lynz within the same room, It became, "Amber, do you want to try this" and decisions were laid out in front of me not just by friends but with anthony himself. he influenced a little here and there and before I knew it I was thinking my current boyfriend, although good, was working against my "dire love for him". It was like, everytime we spoke he had a good reason for why I should do something in the favor of what he wanted to see me as. At that point, i was so basically throwing myself away even, the moment i decided to leave dominic, to, "make myself available" for anthony. it was a little harsh. Anthony was the only one screaming when, there really wasnt a problem to begin with. I went along with these decisions too because my friend lynz, admitted to me for some time her consistent obsessive thoughts over anthony. "I just know hes deep down such a sweetheart I cant get over it I dont know what to do amber" I'd always give her advice, how to handle her emotions when accepting them, because for whatever it meant to her, I could tell it was eating her up inside, and I knew the kind of people anthony hung around, how we was like. So I essentially saw it as, risk one, save another. Risk myself, set example, maybe i can help change her destiny to where she isnt hurt in the end. because when i looked at that picture she had of him, and then back at her, I knew it in the face of time that he was going to hurt her. I couldnt see my friend be hurt. I did the same for my friend brittany when she said she had a crush on David, and thats how I lost her trust as well, she thought I "stole him from her". I said, "no, hes really not that great ya know," and she said, "but you knew I liked him!!" i for some reason, kinda already knew down the line she would be happy I did date him, because in the end people saw he was cheating on me, flaunting the girl in my face who was practically an arch enemy but I still wanted to be both their friends. The things I do to make friends in this world are ridiculous.
people start noticing anthony showing at my bus stop to walk me home
so anthony was pretty relavent here. he was staying a lot at my place, for comfort and watching movies. He began to really try to connect with me through drug use and said it was good for me because in the world that doesnt let people be themselves, that was the answer. I'm thinking he meant mindstate, well, alternatively, he was trying to get me into a situation where I depended on him. and without even knowing it, I was being taken advantage of because he saw how weak my family system was. It was like, he watched all my moves and knew where my weak points were. He'd often talk a lot about spirituality because he knew I liked to meditate. So, we had a lot of connection at the time that I wasn't getting from kevin, kevin was dealing with personal life at the time as well. So, in my thinking, spend time with someone who takes me away from the situation. It began to be that prominent in my life that I'd skip school, on the whim of him not wanting to meet me at the bus stop. He said that he didn't even want me to be at school so far away, I always thought, what is going on with this guy that he cant work on himself at home? So I began to stay over at his parent's house to sort of , "Get Away", and they knew the reasons why after I spoke with them more about my family, how we couldn't make bills and yet they could so, they sort of took me in as their own. I saw it as a chance to find my own way to do school, I couldn't focus in large groups anyway because of, well, we've covered that, all the negativity . Sort of "clouds" the mind. Cant think, Cant focus, how can I do a test? So with school requirements getting heavy I thought I'll give home school a try, online, or, at a local charter. Charter schools are for kids who, just didnt make it. I was thankful for the opportunities anyway. So, we had christmas together, I was already helping with dishes and becoming " part of a system", the way I wanted my family to work, just, minus the argueing from anthony.
Anthony had an early drinking problem and also was a victim to molestation as a child. He was abused for some time enough that he couldn't even remember through the drug use he had going on. There was my sympathy for him to get better because I'm like, man, theres some really deep stuff that either you can make or break you. So I tried to be there for him through each downfall. It was around this time that I noticed something, we filled eachothers sentences , our connection was THAT strong, it was like a simple mindstate. So when he got upset, I did too. It was a lot of strong empathy. So i did everything i could when he had panic attacks to, course him through it, figure out a grounding spot and basically find ways to manage his emotions. It was that deep of a connection.
kevin was trying to go to area of the place where i saw alayna (his girlfriend who ran into me there)
alayna and him were on phone and I was listening to their conversation
kevin playing everlong looking me straight in eyes
me locking eyes and watching him play and pay attention, said he liked that.
eyes color change .his eyes are blue and yet hazel
hazell eyes, sometimes brown, dark hair/brown hair, sometimes blonde.
memory fracture
trauma, dealing with in the midst of, pursuit of happiness in very dark places, not seeing the signs properly:
2010 !
Mother diagnosis
sophomore year
2011
making playlists helped, I had a comfort in finding some songs that got me through this part.
anthony pushed me, punched me in the stomach, thrown me across a room, pushed a couch over on its side that I was sleeping
in pushing me off it violently, ive been dragged, almost thrown into canal, told he was going to dump
my body in the everglades or have me where no one can find me, he laughed when i cried, he enjoyed the power
over me, and knowing i had no way to go, he somehow got out of every situation, and his parents said i was to be the one
to help him. he couldnt help himself, and was forcing me to either abide, or die.
he threatened to kill me in my sleep, hurt my mother or beat my grandmother, stab himself hes hurt himself in front of me
as way of traumatization torture where someone has to keep seeing blood and feel panic all the time, adding drugs to the mix
induces the cult aspect when your beliefs are used against you. he was all things evil. and I was told to beleive we knew
eachother in past life, like we were meant for eachother in a world different. he mocked the very thought of what i knew was
something, NOT him.
but anthony is
not a person
he had me by my neck over a ft in mid air and i almost died and his mother just watched , with a fake surprised look when
she knew she could help me and his "father" standing there
sitting in my own space, wherever that mightve been, and having the ABILITY to listen to music, have a good enough connection to hear my favorite songs, probably saved my life more often than I'd like to admit, even though in the midst of chaos I stilll found signs through music that seemed like nobody cared.
volunteer at the art center
driven to ground choked asked for help and my coordinator/mentor looked at me and just almost made me feel like its something I should handle or she could call the cops. the cops were always somehow involved but they never really got through with charges because they blamed it on my emotional state saying I had to just stand up for myself really "make reports", but I tried, I had a mother though who was unable to get me to court to represent myself. everything, for what age I was, that young of a teenager should have to deal with such mess when their first aim was to finish high school, in a healthy stable living home where they didn't feel neglected.
art center
bus
MATT
fall
coming to kevins to ask for help, he seemed busy. was going out later that night
kevin got nervous, like, obviously nervous, when I stopped in mid conversation kind of thing, and suddenly said ,
"aliens are weird looking" his face went, concerned, to serious and wasnt able to say something. I always wondered why.
invited me to go out to some event and I said no, because anthony was there, and so I walked, tried walking home he couldnt
get me home himself and i told him "its fine ill figure it out", then left, I knew he could see I was upset, but there wasnt anything
he could do. I walked down the driveway,crying, and went off into the neighborhood and roamed around trying to find the
main street. Im thinking, no, I dont want to go out and, have fun. Theres, more that Im not getting. there's information and,
ya know, Everytime I picked up his books that were just out in the open, regarding like really old information that seemed
important, it was about Atlantis, It's like, I'd get the general description from him about this info but he could say it all.
That drove me nuts, I'm like, theres something going on here that I don't know and I'll do anything to find out. but overall,
I was walkingn through these streets unknown, my heart was wrecked. I couldnt make up my mind where to go, so I let myself
keep walking. It was getting late, and I didn't want to be unsafe, so I stayed near this abandoned property up for sale, sat in the
driveway, looked at the stars. I kept feeling the, just think for a bit, feeling. so i did, I remember everytime I cried because I,
"just didnt know" I had this strong feeling of "just keep going", So I'd get up keep walking. There's a point where,
Im sitting in this field. Just, nothing mattered. I laid down as flat as I coud and just looked at the sky, then after a while, nothing
mattered. I was at peace. So then I remembered, heres me, tired, young, sitting in a field at night, and in florida so,
I better get a moving. I do the 1,2,3 of safety in public which was, find the most well lit house
2012
I did try applying to jobs around this time. Kevin offered me a job at taco bell for a recomended employement, there was just this one time where I stopped in and he was more than happy to hand over an already paid for quick bite. things like that I noticed about people were little moments where good actions were placed just for the sake of being good. as much as I tried though it seemed I didn''t know how long I could be going back and forth though, from running away, to back at home.
there was a time where anthony had me stay over at his friends place in fort myers, i dont like that city, where it seemed to be at an apartment complex. it was for my 17th birthday. I was trying to make light of the situation, being that I was pretty much in unknown area and the most mutual friend I had was someone I went to school with. everyone there just saw me as, "jiggles' girlfriend" so I basically, cool-it mode, where I don't speak much because if theres influences like, drugs or alchohal, and you have no idea who the people are around you, you don't know what to expect. thankfully everyone there knew to only respect me, because there was that night. I had gotten so sick because of some celebration and cake. I mean, these people actually got me a balloon and a slice of cheesecake. that was the most I had from a birthday in years time. So, I wake up, pick my head up to go check and see what everyones doing. everyones basically, the same as they had been which was, "trap" party lifestyle. I put my head down and sort of mentally tell everyone "I'm in rest mode please dont mind me", i think i even mentioned it after using the bathroom. Well, anthony didnt appreciate how that made "him" look. he nudges me "hey wake up, everyone's up but you you're making me look bad this is my friends place", basically, this dude, if you didn't give him the slightest bit of attention he would go hogwild for it. I thought, everyone here, for as scary as it is, was so nice to me and respects that I am trying to rest up. So I thought, well, I'm standing up. So I did, I silently got up and said, "what are you going to do?" which, probably is what triggered the huge smack across my face that I got which sent, pretty much, the entire time flying. I had to manage not only, a crowd, but a situation beyong expectation, a potential injury because It wasn't the first time I'd been hit, the embarrassment, the entire, ok i dont need police here so let me just leave...and I hear, before I leave this place so I can have his [anthony's] mother try and take us somewhere where he isn't acting like that, from someone I knew mutual to another, he said, "kevin was right"
I pick my head up, like swollen head because of just being so tired not even painful. I mean at this point everyone was calm but, trying to get me to leave and while also talking me down for the idkth how many times ive heard it at that point "Amber just go" "well i tried! he just does this! he finds a way out every time!" but idk I mean, when all this happened, it seemed like I was, for a purpose understanding what my friends taught me. because kevin was one of few who had some interesting points of view, especially with his friend tunneling down a spiral he couldn't get out of. I just was glad to have even at that point received some validation that I had not been wrong, because the statements heard at that time seem to reflect for the next upcoming years and I knew it. all in the matter of a few days. and I thought cake and drink was good. All I could feel was, lost but found because every change meant something for once I just didn't know what.
on my 18th birthday I wished to be happy and be able to love myself more and be loved fairly but it didnt seem possible, I looked in the mirror and knew there wasn't something right about the way life was at the time.
2013
january,february
attempt (???) at leaving anthony lead to some major mishappenings. I not only confided into his very positive minded, religious extended family but I ended up trying to seek helping his cousin who seemed to "get it". I dont know why but i was always trying to find people who "got it" about the world. his name was matthew, and it seemed interesting enough that the art center was right nearby. I felt confident at this time to travel on my own by bus, and I used the bus system often even though I wasn't 100% on the directions. After some time It became a joy to look at some of the advantages of "taking myself out", I had just turned my 17th year birthday into my 18th, and so technically all I felt was "enjoy it while it lasts". So, while things were chaotic at home, I hadn't gone to school in so many weeks, and I had someone who had an unhealthy obsession over me to the point of legal action, I asked for some help. I literally, walked up to the nearest place, and ya know, people can be weird, and scary. but ya know, im just nice and all I dont fear them, if anything be descent and help. I was really in a time of need. so they helped me, I was able to call for aid and they sent me to the place to file reports and charges. thing is, as soon as they were put it, I managed to be manipulated to think it was ok to have them dropped. to keep the peace. to just , wash over everything because if i had not taken the responsibility, others would get hurt or , like his family always said I was the reason he was like that. upset, freaking out. I'd say , no i cant fix that. thats him. he needs to love himself!
so there goes me, trying to be something im not. where did that land me? a quiet beach, at the oddest times of day like, first thing in the morning or at 11 at night. I'd sit on the balcony of the hotel or stand and just, take everything in. I was told, this time was great. Sure was because there was music, people even had this kareoke stand at the bar that, I was too young to attend. granted, little did they know someone was being hurt , inside and out, and couldnt even ask for help , and all they had was basically , the moment. those moments can be strong and so every time I think of that it just reminds me that through each thick moment i could find myself in stillness. thats what some people dont get.
so, that stillness, brought me back home. I dealt with the packing. the police. the being kicked to the end of the street with all my stuff watching people scope it out as they drive by. And I'm just, trying to remember where and what it all was. thing is, I had torn some sketches I had of, dream memories that I had as a kid. one of them was , it was ugly. its like, imagine, the ugliest thing ever to exist, and give it the alien look, that was it. im like, what would I need this for. its scary and, nobody knows what it is. so i remember trashing it , due to thoughts of discouraged , and belittling self esteem.
my mom forgot about me. she thought i was able to stay at the property , even though, she told me she knew the terms and we had to be off by a certain time. She left me there after she had me go to the nearest gas station to pull out money for a uhaul, and cigarettes. she said she was able to go with the uhaul to the hotel she booked after paying it. but eventually after seeing her in the truck as its driving away telling me to "watch our stuff ill send a cab out for you" she had her stuff moved, but mine was half, with my sister who left like a thief in the night with my grandmother and half at the end of the street. I was totally ok with it though, because actually i thought it was, kinda funny. its like, what luck ya know. it couldve been worse. and i had i think, 2 or so hours marked time sitting under the sun with no water and meditated, with sweat just pouring down my face, waiting for...well, no one. I hear a voice go, "do you want some water?" and theres this hand with a bottle of water creeping up over the furniture im sitting against in the grass/street, I say thanks and receive it but, after walking around the block a few times seeing me waiting for nothing they figured "wow, her mother just left her there". I hadn't clarifyed how I am already an adult but, honestly when I was this age I looked about 15, 16. So I use the phone they lended me and sat at the, now not my porch, porch, (I liked smoking cigarettes in the mornings out there) I ask where my mom is. She said she thought I could stay there, so I'm like no mom, I cant, ..what? and so I get her to arrange a cab, she didnt have enough money for. I felt bad for the driver and something told me she wouldn't have it together. So I'm outside of the hotel, her and the uhaul guy are inside the room talking. so another, few hours outside. Florida is a hot, muggy place. So really, all I kept thinking was, im in a very tropical desert, which surprisingly enough in not many months time I would be alternating from tropical to desert. haha .
so anyway, with the random blur of keeping my sanity through loss, I followed some instinct. we get arranged to go to red cross homeless shelter, and there was some issue with booking. Something, like a gut feeling, told me to say hello to this guy sitting down in front of the place. I introduced myself and, to say the least, was trying to find a safe place for me and my mom. I just needed to sit down at that point, with a place, with a roof wherever it may be. it was getting toward the summer and, our things (what we had for the time) couldnt be lugged around forever on the streets of Fort Myers.
So basically, I meet this guy. David, older guy, he explained he had already stayed with the shelter residence buildings that they had in place. was kind of like a section 8. so I talkked to him and was like, "look, my mom is disabled. she cant be out here like this, can we just stay with you for bit? I can get a job real easy and pay for my stay (I'm a traditional person with that so I expected him to support that) he seemed ok with it, was real nice and sweet talking both of us, fed us, roofed us, gave us water and even let my mom have her pet stay with us. What just got weird was, there were these talks I'd have with him. He would often talk of Tina Turner, and then would go on and on about how he knew famous people. over time I realised, he was doing some strange things like, watching my movements or, saying statements that would get my attention mid way. He smoked with my mom and shared his prescriptions with me and said they would help me. I forget what they were for but I think it was a muscle relaxer. I have distinct memory of him asking for my hair strand, and him doing odd things like flirting gestures, sniffing my sandals, speaking in intuitive ways like, trying to bond with me but making it hush hush around my mother. After some of the things he was saying, I just, I didn;t know whether to fear the guy, or pity him and find a way out after getting a job (literally was asking about employment like stores or shops to work out, there's a lot in that area and I knew I needed money asap to get somewhere) so, back to weird sandal guy, yeah. He was odd. He told me about, marylin monroe and how some celebrities dont even bathe for weeks at a time. he said she hated her career so bad she would purposely make herself sick , like, siiiick , smelly, she wouldn't shave, she'd go weeks without bathing, anything, because all the men around her didnt care they could just get another one anyway. this is where i found out a little about human cloning.
this man also proclaimed he was one of the head of the syracuse mafia. and that anyone to speak of him gets killed. he would threaten that, over and over, and in different ways too i mean this guy really had it down on not only being manipulative, but his tactics seemed improbable. He would say, "I've got cameras all up and down this place" my response? "I know".
things that like, is why i think Im able to be ok. that, confidence of, "you dont scare me dude" that I got out of that situation. I had already physically been raped, forgotten who i was over and over because the world and its influene telling me to be something im not, and then completely feeling alone like no one woulld understand this even if I were to tell it all. so, somewhere down the line, Idk if it was angels or something, but my moms brother had gotten me a ticket to go to arizona. within two weeks I was ripped from my home, left a suicidal abusive ex, molested by a supposed ex mafia member, and then I was moving to arizona. Can you say, stressful? well, I had my backpack, I had my intentions, I was ok. and I told my mom, "I'll see you later" instead of goodbye, because i dont like goodbyes. especially when i knew, we had some unfinished business to take care of. and, she let me down. so I needed some time to resolute that and find my way through that. first, coffee.
airport coffee, for some reason, is so good.
I think thats when i realised I was ok. was when I landed in my midway stop, or I had just landed, something about terminal coffee smell gets me awake. and I had jet lag, bad. So im in the car and my uncle is taking me to his town in suburb Tucson, a house that he housekept for his boss. I remember just watching the endless mountains, through the shadows because it was night, fighting the urge to sleep. I wanted to take it all in, I wanted to accept that this, this was safety. not, this was escape. I can sleep later.
So I arrived in Tucson, and basically my uncle has me do all the bucket list things you would typically for a desert. Grand Canyon, riding a pony to someday ride a horse (I was helping take care of my uncles bosses animals and house)
So forth. he was really trying to get some idea of what I wanted to do in life, said If I wanted to travel, go do it, get everything done while you can, while you are able to. my uncle was healthy minded in ways thats he even sought to get me out of smoking, but I will be honest it was kinda difficult when eventually I found myself sitting on his porch of his apartment, so tired that I couldnt even see straight, working on school, working to find a job and provide myself enough fundings for my own apartment
June 8th, 2013
is feeling fortunate
"his presence may be disguised, but not absent" meeting of raphael and tobias
so I posted this when I found Donald Marshall online. I think I was checking the news like I usually do, like, worldly matters. I at this point was mainly observative about "corrupt" news like, geo-engineering, rfid chipping, that sort. but to hear, to hear about human cloning, I had to look it up.
"Who you really think is kicking tunes?" proboards
donald marshall
gorillaz
I knew it like, immedietly. Through the music, the hints, the constant, what in the world is going on that nobody is talking about????! it all started making sense. but, this was a lot, and, I had two worlds colliding. So, I took it slow, and followed up through Rogue One page on facebook, who shared my information. I have a lot to learn. I stayed aloof, because mme being me, I'm shy, and I wanted to give myself the chance to adjust to the new information. It was, a lot. I had been through a lot, and if this was really it, if he was the person I've been crying over all my life, the missing link, I had to sort of stay in the background for me to learn. I put myself on the sidelines because, like other times in life, when there's the "cool, popular kid" I just think, they don't have the time or, I'm not in any place to say anything. I was afraid to be myself. +I really limited myself that way, and in other ways gave me time to think about what I wanted to do with all this information.
it was like right when i find some truth life throws this stuff in the way and im like, well, who do I listen to and what do I really want to do I just turned 18. I become friends with adair sheppard at this time who I thought could support me in my endeavors to help Donald. I was also using the reference palace page where, I found a lot of information that I needed to keep double checking with source info because there were a lot of referenced in that page.
How do I help?
Got job at kohls
This was a fun job. I not only worked hard but I had various teams that depended on eachothers help to get the job done. I learned so much from this one place, even though it got a little crazy during the holidays, as long as each other were near a main line, we got the store flipped around within a year or two. We became sort of like a second home from home, because the rate was so low everyone's switching shifts with eachother's departments for extra coverage just to be able to go out on the weekends. Truly I saw my progress when I was able to lead a team as well. I'd have opportunity to train new people and I trained them as as I was if not better because the things I learned about the workforce. I kept that as my first job for four years. I dont really hear many people being able to do that, so with some small sense of pride in my accomplishment in finding something I was able to get my own apartment. And within time I saw myself once again, in my room, looking up at the ceiling, wondering..."what do I do", with this emptiness. for as much as it was an accomplishment, being alone just, left me to think. It's all I did as a kid, sit in my own head, analyze the surroundings I have. Because theres so much thats missed, like, Its how I also am a visionary person. I take in the picture so I can create more from it, thats why my paintings never finish either. its a constant never ending moment. but living in that apartment, although it was mine, never felt like home. I was lonely, I didnt find the peace of mind through my actions, and so drawing and sketching was a start. I was provided art supplies to be able to paint by my uncle so I started to slowly set up my space, Which even though it had a door, was like a very large room. So I made the best out of it the way I could. My dinners were nice, and they even had movies down by the office, listening to cds over and over, same songs. I was in a place and state brand new, I didn't know what to make up of it.
So this point is interesting. I was tested, hard. like, life is going to push you so deep you dont even understand what your doing hard. I began drinking, I was in and out of school, and I rammed in so many hours into my schedule I was giving myself health problems. Thing is, I always just, kept sharing Donald's information because somewhere down the line I had time for it. in spite of everything. Some part of me was like, "Hey! finally! Notice Me!" But how do you talk about, all of this, to someone who seemed so overwhelmed daily enough. All the questions in the world and not enough documentation can leave someone repeating the same info, and I could only imagine whatever I had to say was going to be more than just, "Sup".
a lot this, is self researched based.
2014-
2015-
april 3rd
st louis is less creepy and rainy than I thought.
was delayed and I think it was one of the highlight points where travel wasnt so confusing for me even with a delay
my sister was pregnant with her second child, and so I was going to visit florida around this time. I remember working a lot at kohls overtime to get the money so I was able to afford it, but I managed to get the ticket paid for by her boyfriends mother, which, i felt so grateful for I even tried denying the money she lent me to go spending, although she insisted since she knew I had jet lag and had no extra cash on hand to get necessity items they dont allow you to carry over airports (shampoo, deodarant, etc.) So, I'm in fort myers at a hotel with my grandmother who, at this time was managing her last stage cancer so I was trying my best to spend as much time with her as possible the first night in, while also managing how tired I was. and I had a baby shower to attend, as the baby was due within the timeframe and I wanted to atleast be there for her through the process. I remember laying there in the cold hotel room thinking, well, if I could sleep, I could do more and be more readily prepared for all this, but I also want to spend time and talk to my grandmother, I'll just sorta, go with the flow..
eventually the next day or two Im at my sisters, rummaging through some of the boxed items sshe said she had kept for me from the move. that move put me out of stock of all my drawings so, there was this specifically green folder I kept some sketches in that I wanted to look for. So I'm going through clothes, see half the stuff missing from what I remember I packed, but I found the folder. it just didnt have, well, i used to be so organised, so i place folders within folders, and then section cross that with being a lazy teenager used to cleaning everything but her room, it was a system I had and only I knew it so if tthings were misplaced, they usually were hard to get back.
So I found, a lot of stuff gone, and not much time to deal with my body reacting to the stress of fluxuating between different state, theres been a minor fight/arguemnt my sister and I had while at the grocery store but, I think it was within my fault in a way I wasnt noticing how I came across to her in public. I picked up her keys really agressively, my mind was on my body pain and the impatience of anxiety in public, all I could think was, "the sooner i grab these keys and go, the sooner this entire store full of people can stop making me feel so. ugh. " i shouldnt have to feel like that, when spending time with my sister and thats what confuses me is why dont people want to change that "mood" or atleast help fix it. especially working in retail for so long those weeks previous Im thinking, well, positive atmosphere, positive results. and the entire, idk what it is about florida, some places you can just feel its full of people but not. its weird. Nobody really smiles and people stay to themselves. and im wondering ok well, i dont have many friends here but the ones i do, are they really even around while Im visiting?
I wanted to drink, I wanted to escape, I wanted to just end the back pain, the jet lag, and be able to be better and the sister that I thought i should feel and be for her, but everything I knew, all of it that i looked forward to just wasnt meeting up to standard. but what standard and why would I feel so much pressure when its, family?
So we got in this arguement, funny thing is, sisters argue, A LOT. its like, a natural defense system they have . I'd think brothers would have it the same but I wouldnt know. add a lot of , well, complex hormones and you get, endless, endless misscommunication.. and it was going both ways because we have a five year age difference. shes later on in life while im, im just learning things. So the compete to get it, the feeling to be challenged by what was or is, the understanding, was always going to be that much different. I took her words seriously, because at that mindset I was very stubborn on listening, I stormed out of the house, and she said, dont come back again. well, sometimes I take things very seriously to the extent I will just walk to where I need and find the nearby business to make a phone call to be picked up to stay at a friends. sure, I wont be there for the pregnancy. Over. a . little . arguement. over keys? like, my sister and I have challenged eachother to a standoff in the front yard at mikes house! with his daughters cheering on for who threw the best punches, sure, she could throw me down, but i left the most scratches. I was scrappy like that and she wanted to teach me what it would feel like if I really had to fight. and I did, she was like, man, with the NAILS! im like, well, ill have you remember atleast. we laughed it off. we love eachother that much.
so im walking, literally next to highway out in, some county about an hour from cape coral. something instinctive led me (cause I know how to direct myself when im lost its easy just find north south and find signs on road which direction etc) to red cross nearby about twenty minutes away. it was interesting because i hadnt thought this through. I went walking, with no water, with flip flops and a bag, with all my stuff in it like, not everything but, what i flew to the state with. When I got so tired of walking, I found an animal shelter and drank water from the side of the building where they feed the dogs. I laughed because, I knew this was probably not the best idea to not bring any supplies, but that my phone battery was going and I had but so much daylight before it became dusk and I sat a church I found and made calls. Nobody answered. I waited, and this was interesting people made sure I was ok. Like, for what I looked like, I probably seemed sketchy, or like someone who they probably would ignore, but no. I had a nice few people wait around after the church was closing and they made sure I had contacted somebody and even offered to have me use their phone.
this is probably one of few rare times I was confident I was going to be ok. I had talked to lynz and she was with her fiance and was able to get a car and come get me. Lynz has done this so many times, being there for me, she will literally drop what shes doing say, ok, lets go get her. I cant even count on a handful. So they pick me up, take over to her place where she had roommates. I was able to get rest, finally drink some water and think of what next to do. I had just left my sister, and she was even trying to apologise and ask where I was. I told her I needed time to cool off after that, since I even dissappointed myself with old behaviors of running away, the ugly reminder of running is prominant because of being reminded how fractured my family became after dealing with so much when I lived there.
I was sleeping on the couch. Everybody had this schedule, where, it followed one another. One leaves goes to work, the others just coming back , from work. Everyone somehow stays up all night and only, I think 5 hours of rest? I was like, you super people. how. I had almost little to no understanding how one house could be so tight nit . I admired that. So I helped with dishes, tried to clean, but I couldnt fit onto their schedule so, I made my own. I remember looking to post pictures of some sort but, with all the feelings I had, there wasnt much I was interested in other than simplicity
simplicity was found through, somehow, a chain post. those, foward to your friends chain posts that this one said, "like the status and I'll choose a flower for you" It was from kevin. Now at this point i'm thinking why not, I mean we don't really talk, but I had this for sure feeling just do it. because everytime I went to try to connect to him it was usually bad timing. So for me to try to reach out, at the time was for basics, and where I left off with anthony, I wanted him to know I was alright. So, being positive I liked the status. He messaged me later on and gave me sunflower. So I posted a sunflower picture and wrote the same section of words about how its breaking the saturation of negative images on facebook. like the status and I'll choose a flower for you. It felt good because, well, its not just an ordinary flower being given sunflower, especially from, someone I had an on/off attraction/connection with but never really being able to fulfill (bad timing). But i never really knew much about it, other than, I was so happy. In the middle of everything bad I found some bit of happiness. And it wasn't some corny typical flower either, it was one that represented me, from the very person I kept trying to understand for so long. So I wrote some lyrics, from a song he would cover. It meant a lot to me because he made a video online covering the song. The song was called, "the King and Queen of Social suicide" and I'd just watch it over and over, he sang so well and played guitar in ways that he felt the music, instead of just performing it. so I typed the lyrics relating to the song, but I had to first think, "What are you missing?" hoping he would read that. a few days later thats when I felt comfortable to reach out more, still hoping maybe while stuck in this situation I could atleast rule out the many years of trying to figure out, just what about him does he know that I dont that, I can feel when he looks at me thing. So, I put, "did you find what you're looking for?" Eventually, we communicate. we touch base enough I ask him to come visit me. Im thinking, this is my chance, this is the time i can finally get an answer, is this the love of my life and can we get the truth out to eachother on if its possible. I was always so hard stuck on trying to make things work even when it seemed out of ordinary, but seeing his face when he peaked in, I ran to him like, into his arms he picked me up, it felt complete, even though, we hadnt barely seen eachother or talked in so long, we knew we were good friends and suddenly it just felt like everything was right. we held hands on the couch, i put my head in his chest it was just everything I thought it'd feel, as we were catching up with eachother lynz is there and speaking with us, she was bringing up some small talk, time at that point didnt matter, it felt like we were thinking with eachother and nothing else mattered, he left and the next day I asked to see eachother again. He was apprehensive, and in this time I felt, well, where did that feeling go, and what did I do, because even being in the car with him, holding hands wasnt the same. from that day on we disconnected, because as much as he lent me the chance I also was met with the reality that he too, had a life to go back to, and once again, bad timing. So I went back to lynz's, basically in tears. I spent the night drinking wine and trying to resolute myself while sitting outside. I tend to try to be towards nature, I can't even look at my phone sometimes when I am depressed. All I knew was, well, the love I felt, I would never reach, I felt I failed, and that what I felt with kevin was something I wouldnt ever reach again with anybody, no matter who they looked like or what they sounded like singing songs that reach my heart. I just felt lost. so the flight back home was interesting because instead of a vacation it was an unhappy reminder that I had more questions than answers, and the only answers I could find that meant anything at that point was what I was doing originally in Arizona, trying to get myself "ok" again after a mess in life, and with newfound interest to helping Donald Marshall.
2016
august 10th
"When the sun rose again"
-"melody is great though anyone see that the lyric is insanely hinting at a theme no one seems to understand"
I posted that on facebook, and it got, no response. How do I reach people if they won't even look at the information. I could only imagine how donald felt, especially with me, sitting there sidelined, dealing with things and not being myself. I had no idea how to help, there's no, "guide to saving the world", this is all making it up as I go. and so far, relating to music seemed to work for me. If only I could just reach the ones who listened to music the way I did.
november 21st
So this day I was on my way back home to my mothers from my friends house. See my friends know I have issues being in public with anxiety and one of them offered to ride the bus with me back to home to make sure I'd get there okay. I declined, and this is where its really important to ask for help when you need it, because out of fear I declined and said, "no, its fine, I don't want to bring you all the way across town, its not worth the trouble just to make sure 'I'm alright'". They said, "are you sure?" that sort of the moment people need to take a second chance at thinking for themselves, and I had a huge habit of always trying to appease a nonexisting fear to consistently limit myself. "nah, i'm good" and so I take the bus, with headphones in because I can't focus when theres too much at once so I needed a grounding point. Music has a way of doing that. I get off the bus, and this is where time felt weird because I had this gut feeling, "You really should pay attention" , I ignored it. But yet, I seemed hesitant when approaching the light to cross the street. I could literally see my destination in front of me. and so, when the light turned green, I double took the entire traffic to make sure it was stopped. I go walking, about, a few feet from the sidewalk, and with the left earbud in my ear, I clutch my purse and this is where things get tricky. I saw the street ok, I also saw, basically, a truck flying into me from my left, when, I swore there wasn't one there before ok. Like, theres this hill that I could get if there was a car coming, they wouldnt see me, but the lights red right? shouldnt there be no moving cars? So yeah, a truck drives into me, and my first thoughts are, ok I have this amount of time to not die, and this amount of time to get out of the way. How do I do this, in such a fast moment. I remember, theres a lot of different ways to take impact that makes injuries not major and more chance of being minor. I judged the distance I had from the front right tire which unfourtunately curbed up my left leg, So literally I was kinda thrown from the force of the vehicle. and this wasnt, just like any truck it was a FORD F150. at like, It felt more than 5 mph and the report even said 10-15 mph. Either way, Its a truck. and it hurt. So basically, I judged my impact, landed okay, I mean, I had a barrel roll going so I went it, if I didn't id have damage on my shoulder and ribs from the rear view mirror (I broke it off her car thats how hard she hit me) and literally the impact kinda knocked me out. So all in the matter of seconds I had this life or death situation, that in my mind im going from one minute listening to music able to walk, to the next, um, am I going to be ok moment. Traffic continued after that, and so first thoughts, get out of the street, I army crawled over the sidewalk, and thankfully, now, this truck didnt stop. they went forward, and then stopped after realising , "Oh, I hit something..someone?" And Im looking up, gasping for air (the pain was, it takes your breath away, and yet you want to scream, Ive never had a broken bone in my life up until this point, and I had fractured straight through my ankle, with potentially other injuries until seen at hospital) the truck pulls over, and I'm having civilians running towards me grabbing my things and handing them to me while making calls for help. The lady seemed shocked, and I was shocked it was a lady. I'm thinking, this must be someone under the influence, or maybe just a really elderly person who had the wrong car that day. She comes over to me, "Im so sorry!" first words I say, (and this is horrible so please pay attention because theres a huge lesson in this) "No, I'm sorry, I have MS, I didn't see you."
I literally apologised, for getting hit by her truck, under her lack of regard, and under the weirdest circumstances of where my life was in the hands of chance at that point, I said, "sorry"? So basically, I'm taken to the hospital, just thinking, "why". like, why would I say sorry, why did it happen, for what reason (she had none) did she not abide traffic rules and, she almost didnt stop and get of the car. I mean, for a moment of shock of hitting somebody, Youd think youd pull or stop driving immediately. That's when I realised, amber, she wasnt going to stop. She was going to run.
and it was because there were WITNESSES, she got out of the car. So at the hospital, up until late night, theres something about staying overnight at hospitals that Ive never had more of a difficult time with. They always want to get me out of there pretty quickly. So I was just glad to be able to find some sleep. But this left me with, a broken ankle, medications handed to me that would cause me to have a tolerance to so even when I'm not scheduled for physical therapy, I have absolutely no help personally, It's like, wow, life sorta said here, stop, take this, youll be better. I said to myself, I cant just lay here and recover this way, there has to be something else I can do.
2017
Crutches are fun. its like a free work out, balance beam but walking, and basically you had support, no matter where you went with them. I was so glad to receive the help that I needed in this year but It was also, a huge time killer. I mean, being so young and dealing with paperwork lawyer settling a pitfall case of which i had no education how to manage, loss of apartment, job, dignity, came forth the ugly face of depression. Now thankfully I was grateful to move into friend's place as I recovered and was able to do at home therapy. But my solitary and inactive lifestyle (Im used to working so not working because of lack of confidence and self esteem, depression, really was a double edged sword) seemed to just show itself everyday. I tried indoor gardening, playing guitar, listening to music....lots of times I would just stay up all night to match the schedules of my friends so that when I'd wake, I wouldnt be flung into panic attack because at this time I was also dealing with trauma recovery and ptsd, which triggered itself after waking up and remembering things from dreams as well.
So during this time I was left with my hands full, my sleep schedule opposite from practically 3/4 the people in my country which meant, anything I needed to do I had to do on a timeframe where my energy was lowest. The only times I felt I was able to truly think was during night, when there wasn't as much "noise" buzzing in the world. It's like I can feel everyone's stress about things, work, business, family, life, all in an hour of going out to go grocery shopping. And I didn't want that, everyday, while recovering from something so terrible, that actually wasn't because it left me with more time on my hands to be creative than expected.
This is when I discover there's a thing called lofi music. Probably the most chill of elevator music I could find, where, I didn't really have to do anything but focus. For once, I was given music to focus. I say given because everything's a gift and you have to take it as such when you know things could be worse. I had internet, a phone, a roof, so why focus on the pain, focus on the betterment of the situation. It was interesting. There had been a live chat which made me appreciate the connection I had at whim to the world, but then, at the same time, I had no connection because it's not like I can go, "Hey so I'm broken and lonely and need a friend want to talk about how the world is these days? its pretty terrible." Nah, like, it's really difficult to make friends when your so afraid of what people would think. and 9/10 I receive dismissive responses, or just really limiting opinions. There's the entitlement to share opinions like weapons on the internet that I've seen accumulate, I think social media, became social imprisonment in a way after it's been used to just attack people. I mean, I'd even just ask, "Whats your favorite color", to then open a conversation about arts and graphics design and I get no response other than "are you a girl or a boy". I'm wondering, when did people stop caring, or is the focus in this world limited?
2018
spring
lost my diary due to a move from one county to another. it had dream entries in it and entries regarding about trying to figure out my dreams more.
2019
january
I made my first video to help donald. It was fun because I really enjoy working with music, and I felt, there was an audience could reach that viewed the creativity in things. I mean, I had the information, but how do I make it known. I'm just me. So, I went and asked friends if they had any advice, being, in school i only had some experience in tech work for drama class. I was always the behind the scenes, i like to edit. so I pitched the idea and it worked. I felt comfortable making a music video, because that's how I hear donalds music. The things created I got to see myself working on it like I would with art. It flowed natural, and was also a way to show how I correlate the information with the references provided, there were tons. Ive been waiting for that moment to show people the chance to see that there were these hints in songs, the entire time. no matter how much you hear the melody, why cant people see the signs. its so in your face it made me stop everything i was doing every time, and just listen. perks my ears up so to speak. and the pain? the random crying over a song that you have no explaination for, grasping your chest like , I need to find the reason why
that separation from that knowledge isnt something just worth fighting for its worth dying over and sure fear can try to stop me from being who i am theres always reason for things but im not going to stop fighting to spread this truth and once i knew it was out there, he was still alive, i was gifted with a second chance..to show others how i felt and that i belong to him, this world separated us and if it takes making a music video,publishing it on the internet, whatever i can do to beat my fear everyday to reach out to everyone but mainly. im reaching out to him, through a world, that tore us apart, from the start, and we fought through hell and back to be able to know we were still alive, together, spreading this truth. so yeah it was fun, buts also going to save the world someday.
______
september
_________
October
__________
"I hate this holiday".
because for some reason I had to be negative.
I learned this month that state of mind balances and breaks a situation and simultaneously if there's well, an entire globe of people watching you. I've not to say the least "just felt this way"It's that when I can make solutions internally I try and do my best to make them congruent. now, how to be the light in a dark room, not sure. I mean i forgot it about, a thousand times already, so my self motivation is stooped to low and at this point all my friends could feel that too.
Some internal dealings meant change, and that's what I aimed for, but it "boomeranged" itself back on me and exposed pretty much every vulnerable weakness I had, and I only saw it flying down like a house of cards.
but this wasn't, like, a totally bad thing though. ya wanna know why?
because I was so thankful. idk why, but i'm just, a positive person. like, i've seen some things. and my face not change expression. and to get into that detail, i shake. lets just say i was glad to expose some trauma because I knew I was still learning. I can hand it to myself, trust was the topic of the month. and it was flinging in all kinds of directions. I mean, my barriers were being broken down without even saying a sentence. if that's not bookworthy idk what is but, to me this at the time seemed like every thought led to a situation that tested my characteristics strengths and weaknesses. A lot of questions i found answers on my own. and that's how you learn through this and , if you are good, and have a good heart to yourself about it, you can deal with it and take on the challenges.
November
_________
I really wanted to meet donald marshall. that's all i knew.. he's probably been the first and only notion of the day, being that, this month was light in chaos so to speak.
I thought, why not.
my age to "do things" like travel, actually figure my life out, was this age. So I, every day, every step I took I seemed to be getting closer to that goal. I realised, I an just, do it. I had that conversation to a friend and I think it was great advice, if you really want to do something in life, there shouldn't really be anything stopping you regardless the circumstance. It's sort of like, if I hadn't picked up the phone and arranged even a plan to get myself out of the country, what would I be doing? and then its a cause and effect logic from there. and simply put, I was changing my diet, i was healthier. I finished physical therapy and freed my schedule for school. and each direction that was changing was difficult because I wasn't used to wanting something good for myself, ya know. I'm used to putting myself down and ramming myself in the mud for others and , when someone shows you its ok to be yourself even through ALL of this, and whats going on , I found some sense of clarity. Just one time I was able to breathe after quitting a job to work on art more. and it didn't leave me in chaos either i had plans, and every time, i think more than not i said I got this so, it was safer at this point to feel ok being, me.
Being good to myself had incredible advantages like going with a natural flow/direction. Donald Marshall created music that helped me keep myself after all these years. and following my bond to him kept me alive. I don't fear the thought of being with him. He's got a kind heart, and the views on the world shouldn't be missed when foretold, past, present, or future. Who wouldn't chase that, when all their life they've been told not to. Being good should be free feeling. Each time I find peace in the existence of anxiety, It's the difference between living, and surviving. I can only thank him in each day, each moment, because the learning never stopped, that's a gift to me and a gift to him, the chance to save the world. Every day people are waking not knowing how to relate to the world around them, and they go, "Well, there's gotta be someone out there that thinks about everything, the cause and affect. Empathy, compassion in their everyday lives, the companionship between being good to one another and the actions of such can lead to success for humanity as a whole. when threatened, shouldn't humans come together to solve these problems? and why is it when we speak, there's silence. the truth shouldn't be painful. It should be free.
Being bad to myself had disadvantages. negative thinking limits me, it makes me afraid to be myself, It wastes so much of my time because it causes insecurities which prevent me from doing the things I love, and even getting the truth out about how I feel.
situations can be controlled due to the balance of the mind. each mind state, every minute, controls your thinking. for some reason, I couldn't relate to this mindset when I wanted to. When people are impatient with themselves, they can't see clearly. At the end of this month, I learned that if you aren't looking up, you cannot see the picture in front of you.
15th
So this day was cool, I actually decided I had the happiness already inside. I wasn't depressed I was thinking negatively, and it prevented me from even going to the bus! I thought, I have an appointment,, but I need to get there, I'm a full grown adult, whats stopping me? So I got ready and left that morning with a beat in my step. and It's been about 2 years since I crossed any street since the accident. I was for sure I was going to get nervous but every time I felt fear, I said, no, I'm going to live. Nothings stopping me. Then I'd notice stuff like, I was able to do things I wasn't doing before. I was skipping, running, singing, even meditating while standing waiting to be called at the appointment. Places like the post office usually are a bland atmosphere, and thankfully everyone was in a good mood but my fear of unknown places still existed in my head so even as I was staying positive, I continued to be challenged with, "are you going to react? or stay calm?"
I noticed a woman next to me, just doing her thing stretching. I thought, "You go girl, do your thing. I wish I had the confidence to just do a stretch routine next to a line at an office." she had her purse down, her leg up against the wall and everything. I stood there and when I'm thinking this, I'm also realising that its because of people like that who can show that comfortability, like relaxing and taking things comfortably in life, inspires a positivity that can change your mood. I imagined myself stretching along with her, even though I wasnt doing so, (I was literally standing like a board, witnessing one spectrum of, god thats so cool I wish more people could just be free to do things without feeling embarassed, and the other spectrum of "why would I do that? this isnt the place to.") I thought, even though I am unable to just say, "Hey lady you're rocking it might I join ya?" or possibly make a new friend, I was able to SEE there's atleast some people out there who live, regardless the circumstances, that it was a beautiful thing. entire day went well, just because of that one woman, and my mood being better, my day went better. people around me noticed too a difference....seems Everyone around me seems to "pick up" on positivity. it's like its contagious. this day showed me that its not the matter as much as it is controlling your emotions, but managing your responses to situations, deciding with your HEART if you want to live, or if you choose a much harder path, like standing like a board trying to catch your breath. Youcant really do much but keep knocking on wood, and so I wanted to become more like water and just flow with the positivity, instead of ignoring it or thinking something's stopping me. Honestly, I haven't walked out of a building more happy. I practically wanted to run out yelling, "I WANNA LIVE MY LIFE, AND I CAN, HELLO WORLD" But, ya know, I didn't, because, fear. so it's something everyone at some point has to realise is that it's not an overnight thing.
It's a learning process.
november 20th
awakening
memory control/ retrieval
what to do with memory now that I have it? Use it to spread the truth.
adversity is met when you can see the forest for the trees. It's a lot like, when a victim of stockholm syndome, who forgot they even had such, finally realises they had to burn the bridges they used to hold onto. Knowledge can be the difference, and this time I choose it to be the better difference.
November 21st
When you finally start doing the things you love and being yourself, that's when eyebrows start to raise. Seven years have I felt this statement so fully in my life. I've noticed it from the corners of personal, work, school, and even the simplest areas in life like wanting a healthy lifestyle, medical, all that. It's like, once you start to be a good person, and FEEL good about it, others can feel it immediately and, its almost like a scent. The DRASTIC change in behavior of those around me showed once I started remembering things on a daily basis, to have locked in memory yesterday, and wake up today....I can see it all. I can see those who really weren't on my side. I can see the reasons for why things happened in my life. The colors shined everywhere. And it left me pretty shocked to see some colors weren't as "bright" as others.
Thing is, I've always managed to find some balance through the challenges I faced in my relationships with other people. That is because, as a human, I expect people to have heart. To consider companionship in high regard and respect eachother's mutual boundaries. There's something about this that became missing in the world, sometime around, I wanna say 2004-2005, like, being evil became the coolest gig back then and I hated that additude. hate. see that response. that's what was conditioned in everyone including me. to always have this limiting mindset that not only directs thinking but CHANGES YOUR BEHAVIOR. This includes the actions pertaining to, and then the results come cascading down as a natural after effect. However, if the circumstances werent, natural, how can you really hold accountable your actions, manipulated, and stand and say, "THIS IS WHO I AM?".
The hardest part about this, is deciding who to be. It is, a lot, like standing in front of a stage, with a microphone, to a whole crowd of people who expect one thing from you, when youd prefer it to be, well, more comfortable than the pressures of "so how, and for how long, etc". Life is the that stage, and your VOICE can be the decisions you make. The voice can create a sound that can reach people, like, their heart and minds. letting them freely feel that of which is created. so you got, main person on stage, and the entire crowd.To flop and walk away? well, Thats the decision thats always lurking because thats the SHADOWs that reflect from the stage LIGHTS. focus on the lights, not the people, not the shadows. then all you see is, that privacy in mind and a peace and stillness.
A lot of people, and I've noticed this through learning about this information, a lot of people fear bravery. It's an unknown space of stillness and peace, and being ok with it, that becomes something that takes courage to step into. When I woke up this morning I walked directly toward that stillness, because at this point after seeing how I let things limit me and my ability to express myself freely Its all I can take. nothing less. So theres this better additude that grows after finding out about the truth. they say its painfull, well, it doesnt have to be. Im not going to make it that way, who really has the time when time is of the essence. If I don't share my truth, how will others know that this is possible?
So, today is different. It's not all, weird and scary. I have the means to, so I guess it's the matter of why not. Why not stretch and have breakfast and you know, plan how to share golden truth to the entire world. lets not forget the dim lights out there too. But, I smile because, I have full confidence in myself and in this. This is where the trust comes in. after this its only brighter horizons from here and if I need help I have friends who support me. Those who don't I cant help. Those that do not love themselves, and wish to take advantage of the love I have for them, don't get my time. because my time here, now, is for the people who do love themselves enough they want to see themselves in a world free. a world they can speak, and living in it too. Surviving just isn't enough.
Don't' listen to negative forces that say you have to, or to escape. Love is the way, and happy music.
This helped. confidence too.
memory is an important thing, if youre not aware of everything you do you lose things, not just tangible but also mental. so, when youre dealing with memory, its best to stay calm, collective, and organised, and then you can retrace your steps and always find a way back to what your looking for. And for all this to happen, you need a confidence in being positive minded, knowing you can, and believing it too. When you believe in yourself, anything possible right? its a creative thinking process. When you sit down and realise, no matter what you do or how you go about things, its the matter of how you treat yourself, and facing every aspect of which is stopping you from finding something you either need or already have right next to you. Takes belief to get somewhere, and to find something to get you to the next point. Its an ongoing, like I said, learning process. Growth and development are understatements in this degree, and leaves me wondering, "just why wouldnt anyone want that?" and to be the person I am I feel supremely lucky but it's not really luck when it's something attainable, from inside, at any moment in time.
I just texted my mom earlier asking about why the 3s lately because of symbolism patterns made me feel
that she had threatened me while coordinated time was when she retweeted my post regarding how the illuminati
can mess with people by threat of not killing them but driving them to actions that
discredit themselves and and then so i took it as she was disapproving of my actions towards helping donald
and arranging to throw my life out onto chance leap of faith the love i have for him the need to be with him
my thinking was manipullated based off how i reacted because not only did I think she disapproved but i saw the numerology
patterns, the timing of which it happened, based of the emotions i felt, to direct my thinking into a response.
this pattern cause a reaction and I felt to tell her wwhats up with the 3s, also that she said to me at 4:35 pm
"i support you and love ya tdeath" this is the same day i am blogging regarding information on donald marshall and vrill and
maade me feel were scare tactics of which i had to manage. the cause of effect of this pattern of thinking made me respond
in a way that had me calling donald at 1am in the morning pleading for help, that my family was against me, and that
i was in a way threatened if i had not reached out sooner I would be in dire situation causing threat to my life,
the illuminati patterns can drive a stance to where i feel a threat is present when there is not.
the source of these feelings are from them manipulating how things just are and are not, at the same time as driving your fears
against you. I managed to not beat myself up for
telling donald the truth, that i do not feel everyone supports my
intentions on being with him but regardless im following through with my
committment to him to support him and
be in a good
mood, be honest to him,, believe and trust him as he would for me, commmunicate to him openly,
have spirit to my smile, always be there, love him daily as he would cherish me, every promise to commit to not just
him but myself and staying true to myself, finding my own happiness in the source of our bond, find health, fulfillment,
knowing its ok to talk to him, even if no response I know he's there, and to know that always, with no rush and being
natural, to take this seriously , to live.
I've seen variations of donald all throughout my life, and I didn't even know it.
kevin was born february 29th 1993, its not a leap year so hes counted as 0, the gregorian calendar stipulates that a year that is evenly divisible by 100, is a leap year only if it is also
evenly divisible by 400.
Donald Marshall's birthday is september 29th 1975
and would have been 18 on kevin's birthday
8 is significant to Donald
4 is is significant to me
one equal half (4) in 8.
I was born december 29th, 1994
we both share same birthday number, 29
Donald was 19 when i was born, and I moved to florida when I was 2, the same state he resided for some time and physically visited to stay for a bit in 2012.
This was the same year I was trying to find him,
To say the least, I found was I was looking for, and it feels beautiful too, that's the start of living.
love.
I'm glad I stuck to loving myself and letting myself be the person I wanted. I created for myself to cope with all the bad things that's happened. Because sometimes, things just are. It's how you react to it, how you take your day, and if you can make it in time, you won't "miss the sunset".
I'm, with this letter that I'm typing to am going to bring in the next upcoming information release by Donald Marshall, that will embellish the truth with an evidence as real as a person's life place into writing, which will pursue a mass scale exposure and unfold the truth, in all directions sent. I am literally, like I promised, bridging the gap between adversity untold and unseen, and with Donald's help this will provide the world a chance for change to abundance for all that which can exist peacefully, as humans, on this original home planet that we can endlessly provided creation to all those who chose to create using skill, and to those and what is not good to and for this planet we share, are ridden extinct, and will have their hold of power taken from them so they cannot hurt another living human.
You get your memory back by just listening to the music, analyzing it with a different kind of ear. its about feeling the music as well, because in Don's music there's an entire amount of effort put into it that's its own equation. There's the lyrics, the range of instruments and sounds put into it, the feeling from heart, and with an unheard sos call by so many, i think its time for people to know and understand what all these songs were meant for.
One shouldn't feel afraid to admit they are afraid. The embarrassment I've endured, for fear of speak about my fears, holds a toll greater than I could ever explain. It witholds us from remembering things we already knew, but were told, to not ever believe it. That's Golden Truth, I found confidence to
be myself, to learn and never give up. There's a strength in knowing that, that helps people see the difference between higher good and evil.
I really love Donald Marshall
To be able to create for him is something I love doing not just because I enjoy it but I know he likes to see me doing things I love. He and I share an appreciation for all things beautiful in this world and some might find it odd to stare at a painting for endless amounts of time but, we like that sort of thing. It not only shared creativity but it helped those who see me paint, find the same calming state of mind that I have when I'm doing it. That feeling, knowing I did that for people, I am grateful each moment I get to do something like that. Because not only does it inspire them it makes people remember that they too have things they love to do. Wether it be any skill or talent it's really not a comparison when you are just enjoying your time.
How can we truly enjoy a day though, in a world like this. Humans are capable of not only envisioning a world around them to be greater but to also be a part of that change as well. To be a part of that change, one must grow on the mindset of learning information, taking it in and being able to understand it. How can one understand, if it's manipulated based on fear?
When donald says his heart was that the lifespan of his heart was cut in half, and if we didn't find each other through life standing by The Golden Truth, we wouldn't have ever met.
He's still alive, and so am I. The chances of that, I don't even know how anyone can predict, but he mentioned in a video in 2012, "They cut the lifespan of my heart in half. I'm probably going to die someday because of it, but they said somehow they could 'bring it back.'"
This is a huge struggle of memory that its not even funny, but to be hearing that with this state of mind now where I am able to remember, helps me describe this feeling that we are two parts of one whole, we shared the same mental attitude towards life, how we wished to see better of it, and I ask myself this, "If there were to be anything called a flame that ignites and holds itself for a torch, an anchor so to speak , is it that? When I met him, It healed both of our hearts, and give him the chance to live longer. I'm going to be able to help, easier and better than I thought, by just being me, and speaking up. For once in my life I was given the chance to speak up more than I ever had before, all I can say is that I'm grateful to spread the golden truth, and now I can with the man I love. It's a freedom I've always wished for just to be able to do such a thing.
11.22.19
Memory is important. I tried to remember to write down anything I dreamt and it seemed like first thing in the morning I had it all until I got distracted to start getting ready for the morning. Over time, it's like, the memory fades away. Writing down necessities is one thing, but when you wake up in an entirely different body, somewhere else in the world, while you know you were just sleeping, is kinda scary. But, thankfully I knew to take it slow, and just write things down as needed from here. It was the very act of ignoring my own mind, that is the reason why I can't even remember a night's rest that contained so many memories, on top of that, the flooding memories of the awakening. Documenting will probably help this aspect because all I can think about now, is finding more information, and taking it so I can share it to the world. There's never enough need for a pencil and paper. Good things can happen like, your true love that you may be looking for might be right in front on you, or you can find the safety in knowing all you needed to fight in a battle so big was your heart, while also acknowledging who you are as you represent it. Mine was just, the matter of choice, rather than remembering. I chose to go back to sleep, I chose to say, "I don't want to deal with this right now", I felt the need to not remember, because of my own selfish thoughts that this was too overwhelming. I got over myself during coffee, and found that I was able to remember just in parts. Writing these details down can help trigger more memory, so I have to find a way to become better organised and find momentum. It's easy to see but hard to understand, so taking everything one at a time, rather than, all at once, helps too.
_________________________________________
When one is beating themselves up, they are also beating up their heart.
A person's heart comes bonded to another, making one. This bond can't be cut, but it can be separated. Because the separation, it takes them to reunite to become one. This is where the term, "Soulmate" comes from.
Every human being is connected to one another, because they are able to love. This is represented in a lot of forms of stories and books.
"Beauty and The Beast" is an example of how two lovers are bound to a curse and the rose's petals are shown to hold the spirit of their love. For each petal that falls off it there is a detriment to their connection, There is a background further backstory on the rose, where the petals fall off. It's represented in the show, "Once Upon A Time", season 5."
Before the Third Curse
Still keeping the rose intact, Belle, along with the other Storybrooke residents meet Queen Guinevere of Camelot, and it's announced a ball will be held that evening in honor of their arrival. However, as the festivities go on, Belle can't help but distance herself from everyone so she can watch over the rose, which petals have begun to fall from, meaning Rumple is dying. Grumpy finds and cheers her up though, looking at glass half full, believing the rose to represent "hope"; the two then share a dance. ("The Price") Belle later helps the others with researching ways to free Merlin from his tree prison, all the while the rose sits on a table near by. Belle comes up with the idea of finding a way to communicate with Merlin from inside the tree so he can help them free him, and so David and Arthur set out on a quest to find the Crimson Crown. ("Siege Perilous")
Cited:
https://onceuponatimeabc.fandom.com/wiki/Magic_rose
_________________________________________
I was smoking a cigarette, and my roommate came outside. He told me how he had to work really hard. I was being positive about it by saying, "Keep working hard it's good", then, I said, "If you need help, tell them to employ me." (Because I've had a hard time getting a job through this, every time I apply somewhere, I was told, "No, we aren't looking we have already filled in the spot". I would try to tell them that they had said to me that they were "hiring", but every time I'd walk into a place and give them follow up calls, It's like they knew me.
It's like they knew I know, and every time I made calls I'd get transferred or told that It wasn't going to work out.
There's instances where i'd even speak to my roommate about getting the job, and suddenly, the hiring manager isn't even there anymore. I'd call the wrong store on accident.
I've applied to stores I'm not even trying to work at.
He says, "The managers are being investigated," I said, "What like, detective stuff?" and laughed, he said "No, like, people are pushing paperwork under the table, and one guy is getting talked to about what he's doing," I said, "What?" He goes, "For sexual harassment, a girl wrote an entire two page letter about it.", I realise, this is really happening, everyone, everything corrupt , NOW, is being exposed.
I have to tell people about this, my letter, and everything in this, is proof, that in every place, whether its a library, a school (like the numerous years I've spent trying to finish high school but couldn't) or even a grocery store, there's this crime going on in places, people unable to even live, and nobody's talking about it? This out of control system needs to be stopped, nobody sees that this behavior, the sexualization, the degradation of of humanity, isn't from humanity itself, it's from the threat of what is known as evil, is known as a threat to a species, it's a parasitic force that takes advantage of the pure innocence of children, people of all sort young and old. This parasitic force ARE VRILL.
The hearts of many are endangered, and the lies topple that. The pain, of the truth, will be known. The barriers of these, inhuman , illogical, non compassionate, severely outdated ways and tactics of bringing people down, have been recognised, yet ignored, and can be brought down by the power of voice. When people think they can't, they stand still. They watch the world go by, they see the sky and go, "When will I find love?" and keep fighting for it no matter how hard it is to reach it. It's the strength that will keep you alive, and, if you're patient, and understanding, striving to believe, truly believe that these things are worth fighting for: humanity, love, ambitions, knowledge, skills and talents we want to truly express in our lives, freely, you can save those you love. No one should have to feel alone and like life isn't worth living or to be too scared to live life itself. You see the severity of saving not just your own life but everyone's because we are all connected as humans, soulmate or not. So that's the next phase information that Donald Marshall will be explaining in his video coming in december, The true and final, global outreach, the final S.O.S. that will be , "The
True Awakening" which is now known as, "
The Golden Truth".
My table of mind has a canvas, bushes, water, and paint, and I'm so grateful to be able to do this now, freely, and with the ability to share my creativity with the world, which would not just inspire others, but truly for the man I love. To make each day brighter with each brush stroke, learning, and growing like the sunflower I am and will always be.
that's who I am. a sunflower.
The night kevin asked me to go to the event, which was pretty far away, and I considered and said no, I knew I was sort of missing something. I couldn't think about it because I was so distracted with the thought of anthony being there. I was looking at the stars, and wishing just to find Donald. I mean each step I took I knew it wasn't the truth that kevin told me. He had to lie, and say anthony would be there. They knew if I was told "Anthony would be there", It would prevent me from truly meeting Donald when he tried to. The emotion felt that night was equal.. And every step I took, he could feel the pain of not being able to get past my own fear, my own instinct, to say "Yes, I will go." Because it would've been a fun time. It would have been the day I'd met him. It would have been something I could understand for the time, and each time thereafter forgetting the truth. I was lied to.
This is what separates people from finding the truth.
The illusion that something out there could hurt us. The image of being free and yourself being tampered with by those who don't wish us to succeed. I never would want anyone to feel that sort of thing. Because it deeply impacted us both. The control we have on our lives shouldn't be something forced onto which is purely good. I want everyone, everywhere, to be themselves, as I did, and
they too can find the love worth fighting for.
I'm happier than I've ever been. This is what I've wished for. To become one with myself and my
surroundings, so much so that I can't even stand the negative, it just, ejects out of my system, each step I take now is the better change I've always thought I should see, it's been WITHIN me the whole time. fear doesn't rule my every thought,
Good has it's own power. That's my weapon I use in this silent war. Speaking from the heart doesn't have a format, it just is. I can't be the only one to change something so difficult, on my own, so I need everyone to help. Tell others. You too, can be the hero the world needs.
"All of the pain, the fear, the suffering, the things they've done to you in this world are no longer,
when letting go, you are also receiving something true, and with each breathe taken of life
is not only to accept yourself as true but as golden as you wish the world to be. to be, is to live and to live is to not fear to let go. what is to come might entirely make your dreams come true. instead of dreams, it's reality. life can be the way you wish it to be."
Donald Marshall made music by thinking of sounds with mindvoice at R.E.M. Cloning. When sounds occur they are registered in the mind and triggers a memory. So when you're listening to music you also are creating a memory from it. Donald's music was healing me through my abuse and times in life I was down.
It saved my life, seeing objects gives me feelings. Art for me is my way of not only thanking him but healing him too. So, when I'm painting, the more I paint, I'm replacing Donald's pain of his torture from R.E.M. Cloning, and nurturing it with love to heal him. THAT'S how much we love each other.
I just wrote a list of 8 songs that were made by Donald Marshall. I used to hear them frequently and think, "there's signatures in these songs, but why can't I understand where they come from?" I could tell there were patterns in these songs. No matter how hard I tried looking, there was no place for me to find this information out on my own. It took Donald Marshall himself, to send the SOS, It took one, out of the many people in this world, that cooks the way I do, plays music, paints, takes walks in nature, looks at the horizon and wishes for things like seeing good in this world, it took just one to really think about those songs in that way where, you're not just dancing to the melody. You end up pleading to, whatever "high existence" there is, if there is one because I'm, just like many, who lose hope daily, and find it through things that are good, that complete wholeness of connection to that of which is earth, belongs on earth, works together as a healthy system and treats earth like their home, you end up pleading that, there is too, someone out there that thinks like you. That walks like you speaks like you. You end up wanting to find love and live a healthy life. Fighting for life, on a basis to where its beyond survival, its , taking a leap of faith through love that you find life worth living. My life is not a story. it's not a show. but it's been used like one especially at the REM Cloning center. I, like many, were able to remember the things that happened to them, and still continue to be a good person through the most treacherous. These songs are just examples of the many, many good things Donald's done, not just to warn others, but to give the world the first step in reaching The Golden Truth,
hope.
His songs were created with mindvoice technology at R.E.M. Cloning that were heard by radio stations everywhere, promoted by top companies, agents, Celebrities would have to perform, the same songs everyone had at least a chance to hear the truth.
These songs i sang so much, It didn't matter when or where, I just loved hearing them. now, reading the lyrics, they make so much sense to me now. And the way they feel, after hearing them, the connection to him is more clear than I've ever felt before. Based off remembering I'm able to know he was always there for me, even when I didn't think he was, we will always be together, for not just the amount of what's created but by the fact that it's been witnessed by the entire world.
1. Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood
I struggled so hard to get these lyrics correct, especially Russell's lyrics, which were Donald Marshall, "You don't see with your eye, you perceive with your mind.", That's his words. I had a connection to these words because not only did it express some truth, the music video even showed a spirit going into Russell. Which, I'm thinking, "Isn't that sort of like lucid dreaming?" I didn't know at the time about cloning, but this was the start of where I had started understanding about dreams. Then later down the line, the beginning of us meeting, was through this song. I found that song and the description placed with it, about R.E.M. Cloning, Donald Marshall, and The Golden Truth.
2. Slipknot - Vermillion pt.2
I'd play this song on guitar and piano. It's about Donald and I, but this was when were separate. I always felt really happy by the ending because it portrayed my feelings clearly in the times I missed him most.
3. CKY - "close yet far'
There were signatures placed in this song that I heard. "I'll tip my hat to those who can't believe it's me" It's like the lyrics spoke in ways that others couldn't see as actual words from how someone felt, they were patterns placed by Donald Marshall through mindvoice at R.E.M. cloning.
4. Foo Fighters - "Everlong"
This is a song I heard while I was cleaning my room. I stopped what I was doing to listen, and it really caught my attention, the whispering part. There's something I could hear but only if I really listened to it hard enough. This is what I heard, there's two voices and the one that is stated within the lyrics is shown online but its entirely different from what I heard. I heard,:
"Amber stone, I need you to stay calm. Return to him, they're pretty desperate. When you see, and when you learn, and this comes back, I need you to do this: we need to tell the world the truth"
5. Silversun Pickups - "Lazy Eye"
This song describes when Donald found out that I had remembered him. He tried reaching out to me but I was scared. I wanted to reach out, but the fear stopped me. He reached out a second time, and so I thought about it, and I was for sure that time I would give him a reply. I found the courage to connect with him directly and It began the start of our relationship. The music video resembles us and our desire to speak with each other through the crowded room where, everyone just heard the melody but not the meaning behind it, love.
6. Daughtry - "feels like tonight"
When I first heard this song I couldn't help but sing. I used to sketch a lot to music and this would be on my playlist at the right times. There was always this feeling really late at night when I used to have ""all-nighters" where I'd stay up as long as I could watching movies and listening to music. It made the night not so bad even though I was staying up to avoid being activated at R.E.M. Cloning, It never was rest if you end up waking up there so I thought, if I stayed up doing these good things it will replace the time spent with something better.
.
7. big wreck - "locomotive"
"burning Amber's in my head"
When this song came out it was during my efforts sharing The Golden Truth. I knew that Donald Marshall created music for the band Big Wreck, and when I read the lyrics it for once didn't match the lyrics I thought I heard, What I thought was "burning embers in my head" It had said, "Burning Amber's in my head" I listen to it to remind me that there were hints placed in songs but that I too, was being referenced through his music.
.
8. Pinback - "Non-photo blue "
This is my favorite song, not just for the beat or the catchy melody, it felt calm. The lyrics are even better, because It told a story that I was to find was about Donald and me.
